ambiguity

I'm a hold-backer. That's like a line-backer, but I don't have a cheering section or team colors. Despite my often all-or-nothing black-or-white attitude, I actually find myself holding back a lot, and I know I'm not alone in that. It's the idea that I'll try really hard, but leave juuuust enough behind that my internal voice says, "maybe you failed, but you didn't give 100% so that makes sense."

But I can tell you, unequivocally, that I have poured my heart into this project.... Endeavor.... Dream....Whatever you want to call it. And it's a scary place to be. Emotionally speaking, I have put myself out on the ledge, without a safety net. I know the heartache that sits right on the other side of the door. Not to mention that we've put ourselves out there professionally as this would definitely set us back in our careers. And of course personally- just opening ourselves up to all of you. This is uncharted territory for us and every time I worry that we're taking it too far I think about those kids and know that I will NEVER forgive myself if we don't put exactly this much energy into this.

Today has been a heavy day. We are still waiting for some more answers from the county and I thought we would get them this week. But today it's become pretty clear that we may never get any concrete answers. So where does that leave us? At what point do we just admit we can't make this work, no matter how much we want it? No matter how much we try. No matter how much people support us through it. We thought we knew what our deal-breakers were, but when something is ambiguous, how do you know?!? We just have to remember that it's about the kids, and if there's a way for them to stay together without us, that's great. And if they get to go home with their parents, that's even better. It's just hard when you can't see the future. This is going to take some serious thought and discussion but we're not quite ready to rule it out yet, because until we see this thing through to the very end, we may never sleep. Although if this works and we end up with four kids, we may never sleep again anyway.

The best news is that we don't have to make a decision today, we have time to see where the cards will land.